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My Self-Worth Isn't Worth Much

Some fights seem so small.....
Some fights seem so large....
Some fights seem so..... significant.

And that is where I find myself right now. Master and I just had a fight. We've been fighting all day. But just now it has all come back to one topic that always seems to come up. Why am I so unhappy? Why am I such a grouch? Why am I so introverted? Why can't I be more social? Why can't I just get over small things and treat them with the insignificance they deserve? Why can't I just be like a normal person and smile?

It's these arguments I hate the most.

Because they, more than anything, make me feel like I'm not what he wants. And they make me think horrible things. Thoughts scream at me.
"You're not right for him"
"You don't deserve him"
"He'd be much happier with someone else"
"Someone more on his wave length. Someone happier, more social, more musically talented."
Some like X or Y or Z. But no, definitely not you."
"You're just a sad pathetic unhappy sadistic grouch that was never meant to be happy. Admit it. You enjoy annoying him don't you. His frustrated sigh makes you giggle. You enjoy pushing the envelope knowing just how far you can take it and still make him smile in the end. You're not normal. You're crazy. You are insane. And your happiness will never equal his happiness. How can it? When everything that makes you happy he either doesn't understand or causes him discomfort. Even bdsm. He doesn't like it. You know he doesn't like it and still you keep pushing him. Keep hoping that a sleeping dominant will awaken and be everything you want. But it wont. You've been imagining it all up in your head because you're so fucking sick. He's right. You're not normal. You don't even know how to be happy. Hell you can't even figure out how to express a general feeling of at least not being unhappy. You're face is fixed in a permanent scowl that has never gone away. When you smile now your face contorts and you look uglier. Stare into the mirror as long as you like. You know its the truth. Everything about you is ugly. Your scowl, your smile, your body and even your tears."

And I don't know how to shut them up or drown them out and even tell them they're wrong when right now they feel so very right.

And my head fills with horrid scenarios of a future where Master and I are not together.

Who would he be with? Would I be able to handle if he dated someone else? Or would I have to leave and never see him again?

What would I do?

Would I kill myself? I promised I wouldn't do that unless he died. Because then he'd be waiting for me. There would be no one waiting for me in this case.

Would I live on? And if so what would become of me. I'm only the person I am now because of Master. I have no desire to find out who I would be without Master. Some horrid ugly slutty bitch, no doubt.

Who would keep the cat?

I try to tell myself these questions are pointless. Master won't leave me. And I will never leave him. But then the voices start all over again and the argument replays in my head and I just don't know. And I think maybe I can change.

What do happy people look like? I can mimic that, right?

But shouldn't I be myself? I'm just a naturally dour person. "Soon to be a naturally dour single person" the voices say.

Ok, so maybe I can just change my whole personality. Be happy. Be HAPPY. BE happy. But how?

What do I look/act like when I'm happy? What do I look like when I'm unhappy? How do I isolate these events and find their causes so I can begin to amplify the former while decreasing the latter?

I just don't know.

Let not fear lead you

Hello friends,

I am back. Now, there are a million excuses I can give you to explain my abscence. Everything from work and my new promotion to school and the tests I've been having every week and the general lack of time what with social events and such. But I won't pretend that those are the only reasons. The real reason is that I was scared.

Since starting this journal I've been made aware of just how much I want this. And then school started and I got my promotion and I began to realize just how impractical it was. And how bad I am at it. It really brought some doubts to the surface that I was frightened to face.

You see, Master and I work at the same place. Recently we pretended to break up and continue to hide our relationship so that I could receive a well-deserved promotion. Most people with sense know that we are still together but keep silent for our sakes. The pay is great and I'm really enjoying my new duties. But I'm now in a position of authority over him which puts me in the awkward position of having to get on his case when he doesn't do his job right. And I've had to do that more than once, unfortunately.. And he doesn't mind that. He knows I'm just doing my job and he has no resentment towards me whatsoever. Nonetheless it's weird for me. However, that alone isn't what drives my doubts.

It feels like my Master is a very indecisive person at times and can't seem to do things without me. It's always what I want to eat. What place I want to go to. What movie I want to see. At times I wish he would just skip over me and just make the decision. I don't want to choose all the time. And like someone pointed out before, I have way too much control. We're both supposed to be dieting and such but he keeps telling me that I have to stop him from eating out and I have to make sure he gets up for exercise. I feel like a mother. But how do you tell someone you want less control without sounding like you don't want responsibilities or want to be lazy?

So there it is. With all the control at work, and the control at home I've been feeling rather....dominant. And I hate it. This is not who I wanted to be but maybe I don't have a choice in who I am. I will be the first to admit that I do have a dominating and aggressive personality. I prefer to be in control of situations and in charge. Maybe I am a dominant. But that isn't who I want to be with Master.

So, all of that has me questioning my sub side and wondering if maybe this is the right move for me. This evening I finally decided to stop running away and I did some research. Nothing really pertinent just more general research and I realized, my passion for this lifestyle hasn't dimmed at all. Even while avoiding it this past weekend, I never forgot about it. I would go to the LJ homepage and stare at it, contemplating logging in but eventually not doing it. So, I don't know what to do or where I go from here. but I am still resolved and determined to do this. It is what I want and I will achieve.

But what about my questions? How much control is too much? And what about him relying on me to make sure he doesn't eat out and such? Is that normal? Like he doesn't say " If I have a burger snatch it out of my hand." or something but he'll casually suggest going to BK and I'll say "We shouldn't. We have no money and it's unhealthy." and He'll agree and thank me. That's what he wants and it's not unreasonable but he wants it all the time. And I feel like I'm policing my Master. And I don't know what to do. Is that normal? Is a certain amount of 'mothering' inherent in submissives or relationships in general?
Is this one of those "not everybody is perfect and right now he is weak. You must be strong for him" things?
And how do I find subspace in the middle of all this control? I have gotten WAY to used to the word "no" in these last couple of weeks.

Yesterday morning I even said 'no' to sex o.O

That's just unacceptable :-(

So, yeah. That's what is on my mind. I'm still confused but still determined.

In addition, Happy Belated Birthday to cenodoll and randols_girl. Sorry I wasn't online at the time. Hope it was super mega foxy awesome hot!

Much sub love,
~~~angel~~~

The Smart Thing to Do...

In my last post, I worried about my own selfishness and how I could be better to keep my mind on my Master's needs and desires. I want to put him before me in all things. It's hard to gauge my progress myself so I don't really know how well I'm doing. But it has definitely been on my mind and it caused me to realize how selfish and spoiled I am. A lot of it is instinctual. I never realized how much I ask of Master nor how much I whine. So it's been an effort trying to stop that. This last week has been a lot of backpedaling. I would ask/demand/whine for something and Master would agree. But then I would realize how spoiled I was being and try to take it back or convince him that I didn't need/want it but it would be too late. Once he knows I want something he will do anything to get it for me.

I have always known that he was my whole meaning for living and that I would do anything for him and he's always said the same but I didn't know how completely we were mutually wrapped around each others' fingers until this last week. Master and I have both been trying to lose weight and budget more but we have both been failing spectacularly. Our lives are too busy to cook or eat healthy. Our job gives us free unhealthy food and Master is into music and so his hobby gets pretty expensive sometimes. This adventure into dieting, budgeting, and bdsm has shown me something about our relationship I never knew. Master has a hard time telling me no, and if we're going to succeed in any of this then I'm going to have to be stronger. Master's control is borne from mine and control is what we will need to succeed.

Now, that we have established that, back to finding a way to please Master and out his needs before my own. I want Master to be happy. Having said that, I'm not stupid. I know I can't make him happy all the time everyday but none the less there are things I can do to not make him less happy. I knew of something that I could do that made him happy. For example, I know he likes it when I wear my hair down and looking nice. I know he likes a clean house. But that's about it. Without a deadline and clear guidelines as to what he wanted I would flounder between chores for hours all while watching t.v. and eventually get nothing done. Finally I decided to do the SMART thing I should have done all along. I asked him. More specifically I asked him if he would mind giving me something to do. And he agreed. Everyday he will give me one task that I need to get done sometime before we go to sleep. Today was 'wash the dishes'. He literally left to pick up pizza and by the time he got back, they were done. It was the fastest I had moved my ass all week and apparently just what I needed. Now, the hardest part will be making sure neither of us forget to assign me a task. :)

Master, forgive me for i have sinned

It has been two weeks since my last post. And I apologize immensely! For a number of things that I will get to eventually. I severely underestimated my ability to got to college full-time, work 35 hours a week with my promotion to manager, stay on top of my school work, keep the house clean, and stay on top of my journal all while getting the necessary me-time so as to not drive myself crazy. Even now I'm posting in the middle of the night because its the only time I have. I technically should be sleeping so I can get up early tomorrow and go back to work. Busy busy busy.
So, I have missed this journal. And for many different reasons.
1. I missed all my new friends.
2. I miss writing about my experiences.
3. and most important, I miss exploring this new side of me. Seriously. It was apparently important.

I had no idea the effect this journal was having on me. Writing in this journal kept submission on my mind nearly constantly. Without it, my inner bitch rose her ugly head and took over. This past week I have been on edge, rude, and downright disrespectful to Master. When I finally realized this, I apologized and he took it in stride. He actually thanked me because he said normally I just continue in bitch mode until he just can't take it anymore and he ends up getting angry :(. But this time e was proud of me because I realized early on, found the focus of my anger, and sought to correct it.

With the realization on how important these blogs have become to my chemical make-up i have decreed them to be mandatory. I won't place time limits and stuff on it because I know that ultimately, I'll just fail them. Just more than once a week will be nice. Where will I find the time to blog, you ask? Ho Ho Ho, fear not for i have a plan! It has come to my attention that I spend waaaaaaay too much time read/rereading/searching for Harry Potter fanfiction and not enough time, cleaning, doing homework, and pleasing Master. For the longest time fanfiction and Harry Potter was all that kept me sane. It's difficult letting go of it. But I need to face it. The series is over. And most people aren't writing fanfic for HP anymore. I won't give it up completely but I do need to seriously cut back. To help me accomplish this, I want to create a new mantra for myself. Something along the lines of :
Master is my life. I live to please him.
Pleasing Master is my hobby.
Everything is for him..

Or something like that. Something I can hold onto that will help me focus on HIS pleasure and what will make HIM happy rather than myself. Any suggestions?

Joy Joy

* Big Smile!*
So, if you can't tell from the comments I've made today with the excessive use of exclamation points and substitutions of "s" with "z", I'm pretty happy today! I had no early classes and they all went smoothly, Work was fine even with me starting with my new promotion, I still have ice cream in my fridge and I added a new friend to my LJ!
Yup, life is good.

So, not much gone on bdsm in my life right now so instead I wanted to talk about bdsm I see in everyday life! LJ has taught me so much. It's hard to judge people and the fact of the matter is you never know what a person does when they go home and shut the blinds. Lately I've been looking at my coworkers and even strangers on the streets wondering "Could they be submissive/dominant?" and it blows my mind when i think how many would actually fit the roles! I could literally see them leading the lifestyle and you just never know. Certainly makes work more interesting!

Another thing I've noticed is the amount of bdsm in old TV shows and movies. In "I Dream of Jeannie" she calls him 'Master'! How did I ever miss that?!?!? I nearly had a heart attack (and other things) when I woke up to that on Nick at Nite, lol. In "I Love Lucy" Lucy spends an awful lot of time hanging over Ricky's knee *wiggles eyebrows*. It's everywhere! You just have to know where to look.
Where else have you guys seen bdsm in regular life?


Now, I don't think I've mentioned this before but I am a HUGE nerd. I love anime, Harry Potter, books, manga, Calculus, video games and just all sorts of nerdy stuff. And I just love it when my interest collide with bdsm. I spend hours looking for Harry Potter novel-length fanfiction with believable bdsm in it. But there is very little plot based anime with bdsm in it. It's all porn and sorry but I just don't want to watch it for the sex. But then I found it. The gem among gems. the crown to surpass all crowns. The king of kings of kings!

It is called NANA TO KAORU and it is absolutely amazing.
If you have ANY interest in manga or anime or reading at all you HAVE to read this!

It is a manga (or Japanese comic book) that can be found at mangafox.com and it is a gorgeous bdsm romance involving two students who begin a bdsm lifestyle together. It's absolutely adorable! And the best part? It's not about sex! They don't have sex AT ALL! There is some ecchi (or risque) stuff but it is a MANGA about BDSM. Doesn't get much more risque than that.

Okay, I'm done being nerdy now.

Today I would also like to introduce a new corner of my blog called Songs of Submission. I want to try to find songs that make me feel submissive of remind me of the lifestyle in any way. The Song of Submission for today is *drum roll*

Aquarius by Within Temptation

The song itself may not be about bdsm i think but with lyrics like this, how can you not imagine the charismatic pull of your Master?


I relinquish
To your powers
From your grasp
I just can't hide

It's a good song. You should definitely listen to it

Ok, I have typed enough. And just because I know this is a long entry I'll shorten it.
TLDR: BDSM is everywhere. Read Nana to Kaoru. Listen to Aquarius by Within Temptation.

Haha.
Much sub love,

~~~angel~~~

Hopelessly Devoted

So, if you followed the last entry then you know Master and i had a fight. But i am here to tell you that the fight is over! OVER, lol! Yup. I was sitting at my desk firmly resolved to apologize to Master on my knees when He got home and then have a discuss on bdsm and dominance when Master came home. He silently crept up on and by the time I turned around he was had shoved some roses in my face and formally presented me with an apology and a big tub of butter pecan ice cream, lol. I giggled like a mad woman and smiled before taking the gifts putting them aside and hugging Him. Then I sincerely apologized. He seemed really surprised. Normally I hate apologizing. I told Him that I conceded on all the points he made that day and told Him I wanted to talk.

I asked Him if he had been trying to assert dominance by being a little harsher than normal. His reply was that He actually wasn't. He was just trying to end an argument before it began. I explained my feelings and He conceded that He had been harsher than normal but only because He had just wanted me quiet before my selfishness ruined the day. He wanted me to 'shut up, calm down, and let Him drive'. Then the cogs started turning in His head as i pointed how utterly controlling and dominant that sounded. And HE realized that maybe He had been asserting dominance. Until this point i don't think He ever realized what i meant or believed me when i would say that He was already dominant, just repressed. I think He came away with a lot to think about.

After His light bulb turned on He decided to address me. And His judgement was sound. What did it matter if He was asserting His dominance or not? If i was going to make the choice to submit then that submission needed to be 24/7 and i needed to be completely devoted to it . If He's a little sharp or gives me THAT look then i don't need to be wasting time wondering if He is being dominant. i just need to do whatever He is currently asking me to do. Simple, yes?

I think we both walked away with a lot to think about.
:)

And the angst continues...

So, it's been a while since I posted. I've been pretty busy what with school starting up and my university decided to do some funny stuff with my aid along with my new promotion and losing/gaining friends. It's been a hectic week with hardly any time to breathe. BEcause my last entry was so depressing I desperately wanted to write something happy for my next entry. But I can't. Today some stuff happened that was bdsm related and I just can't not post about in favor of waiting for something happy to come along because this is what it's all about right? Learning and sharing? So, first... background info! Duh duh!


 When I first started the journal I mentioned that Master was very hesitant about it. At first he was interested but i think when he realized how interesed i was i might have scared himwith how important it became to me. So it got put on the back burner. All the while he told me that we were going to do it, "It just wasn't the right time" I think what happened was that he was interested sexually and i was interested spiritually and he couldn't understnd. Hethought i was obsessed and it pout him off. However, he never told me. Instead he pretended interst and just hid those feelings. He thought if he told me that he was now uninterested in it, he would lose me since he could tell how important it had become to me. So instead he kept the issue at bay for as long as he could. So there I was happily prancing around gathering information and
recoommending him to sights that he would hum over promise to read and then never do. Eventually I realized something was wrong and we would fight over it. He would reassure me that nothing was wrong, we would get to it but there wasn't enought time, money, space, privacy, etc.. at the moment and it would have to wait. But there is only so much 'keeping at bay' one can do before the tidal wave falls and when that method fell apart he admitted the truth. That he just wasn't interested and he didn't think it was right that I seemed to need it so much. It freaked him out.
I had never been so sad in my life. But I understood. My needs weren't his needs and it would be wrong to force him into this. It would be a crime to throw away an otherwise perfect 4 year relationship for this one thing. So i backed off. Occasionally I would bring the subject up again only to end up with bad results. Everytime i asked about it it would increase his fear of me leaving him for someone else " If you can't get it at home..." So eventually I stopped asking. But  I was confused. Because all the while I wanted this type of relationship I could see the elements of bdsm that naturally existed within us and within our relationship. BDSM would have been as natural a next step as we could possibly take.before marriage even. And yet he rejected it all. And what hurt more than anything was not the rejection towards that submissive part of me but the rejection towards the dominant in him. I could see the dominant in him. I watched it like a starving man eyeing a fruit stand. It was THERE and yet it wasn't. Not yet, not for me, THAT hurt.
So I guess it's good that we got to this point where he has agreed to take this step forward with me but the probelm now is (and i don't mean this in a negative way)  he's ignorant. I've spent that last 4 years longingly staring at collars and reading blogs and browsing websites. but he hasn't. And considering the past, I don't think he'd be open to suggested reading mateial. If i ask, he says he understands and knows what bdsm. But anybody who watches porn will think they know what bdsm. Doesn't mean they really KNOW. And now to the reason I bring all this up. Today we got into an argument.
Well, several argument. All on different topics. And I guess he decided to try his hand at being tough on me. So the first argument ending with him snapping at me. The second argument ended with him telling me to shut it and then a lecture on how i am basically ungratefull. The third argument ended with him telling me that i'm whiny and have been whiny all day and really just need to quit it. This resulted in me pouting at which point he was angry that i was pouting and couldn't just be happy. And I wonder if this is what he truly thinks bdsm is about. Because I'm not about to sign up for getting yelled at all day. And I couldn't help but feel like there is a better way.
Where is the fine line between D/s and being just plain mean? And is he flirting with it or am I still being whiny? I just don't know. All i know is I feel really sad right now.
Was he justified in saying those tings to me. A little. I did snap first,the first time, and i was being selfish the second time and the third time was .....
WEll, ok maybe i deserved a good portion of it, but still.
I don't want to be this sad every time i mess up..
It feels like the babygirl in me is at war with the submissive in me.
Submissive Angel: He's really mad. You should go apologize. Make his lunch before he leaves for work too.
Babygirl Brat:  No, he yelled at you three times today! THREE TIMES!!
Submissive Angel: He said he didn't like yelling at you. He probably wants to make up too. If you hurry, you might get scratched behind the ears before he leaves.
Babygirl Brat:  *pout*pout*pout* No. Just sit there and stare morosely at your laptop. When he comes out he'll see how sad you are and apologize. And then you can apologize. But not before then.
Submisive Angel: That's just stupid. Go apologize. You don't want to ruin all the hard work you've done in order to ge thim to this point do you. If you act up and reject his dominance he might not try again.
Babygirl Brat: It'll be fine. Just be extra cute and adorable when he gets home. You know he can't refuse you anything. Pigtails + Giggling adorably over a Disney movie = awesome cuddle time with Daddy. You know you love it.
Me: Guys, he left for work while you were arguing. Sooooo I'm just going to post in livejournal while I work out my feelings, ok?


And that's about where I am. So I think when Master gets hom I'll apologize and maybe have some questions for him. Like:
What does he think a bdsm relationship entails? Is it what you were doing today?
What form of punishment would be best because arguing and lectures make me sad. Too sad. Like it takes me hours to get over it sad.
And probably some other stuff.


P.S.
I want to apoogize if any of my posts don't make sense. I never really plan what I'm going to post so most of the time it's just a continuous flow of conciousness that may or may not come out organized and sensible.  If you ever need clarification, you can just ask in a comment :)


Being open

KID: So you're telling me not to be myself.
PARENT: No, no, no. Be you. Just be the you that doesn't get jacked for their lunch money.

How much of yourself do you show the world and how much do you hold back for society's sake?
I ask this question because a friend of mine recently told someone about her lifestyle choice. It worked out well for her but left me with questions. Do your friends and family members know about you? Or do you hide it?

I most certainly hide mine. Master is not quite comfortable with it and frankly neither am I. It's hard to accept this side of yourself when you both love it and find it utterly abhorrent. I keep wanting to question why? Why do I feel like this? Why do i need this? Why couldn't I be normal and not have to hide this part of me? The world tells me to be myself but can I pretty please shave off these pieces that they find immorally unacceptable.

I blame my parents of course. For raising me to hate this part of me. I wonder if they had known what it would do to me, would they have still done it?
  • If they had known I cried every time i masturbated.
  • If they knew that I would spend hours on my knees praying for forgiveness and mercy. Wondering what hell would be like.
  • If they knew how often i would stare at myself in disgust.

I wasted all those years hating myself when I was so pretty. Looking back now I was a pretty hot 15 year old and everyone knew it but me. I'm still trying to shovel away the self-hatred they and God shoved down my throat. And as of yet I can't bring myself to truly love this side of me. How can I expect someone else to understand when I don't? How can I expect someone else to love me when they find out if I don't love it too?
I can't.

And it only makes it worse when I know that my family would never ever understand. Not only was I raised catholic but also I am from a very Pro-African American family. They would never understand my submission.
I could hear it now " YOUR ancestors spent all that time trying to get us OUT of slavery and you want to go BACK?!?!!?"

Yup. Sounds just like my dear mother.

I do have one friend that i have known  for 7 years and we tell each other everything. We're closer than sisters. She told me once that if I had been a man she would have married me, lol. And I may have accepted man or no but Master came first and snatched my heart away. I think maybe one day I could tell her. But not now. Not when I have no explanation to give her. Just feelings that have barely been acted upon.

Yet , it may be the paranoia talking, still it feels like some people may have inklings of what I am. Not full guesses, just inklings. Maybe it's the way I phrase certain things. Maybe it's the look he gives me when he's angry. I don't know. But sometimes I just can't shake that feeling.....


You are only as happy...

...as you want to be
...as your unhappiest child
....as you were unhappy 5 minutes ago.

People are selfish. Happinesss is a fading emotion measured by current contentedness. What makes you happy now will make you unsatisfied 5 days from now. Because enough is never enough. See.... Selfish. And Greedy.
It's sad but true. A million small good things could happen in one day and we'll never blink an eye. But it only takes one small bad one to fuck it all up (pardon my french.)
So here's to dancing over tiny miracles and shaking off the mosquito bites!

My friend started a list in which she writes things that her Dominant has done that day that makes her happy. I think it's a great way to beat the Greed. It forces you to look back on the day and remember the good things your dominant has done for you so that you never loose sight of the positive underneath the negative. i want to try a list today of all the nice things my Master does for me.

1. ALWAYS looks to my safety. When we first moved away from home and had to walk everywhere one of our first investments were pocket knives. He made sure I had mine at all times in addition to making sure I never walked alone in the dark. Even going so far as to walk 1.5 miles to meet me at my job and then walk the 1.5 miles home in the dark. When we would finally get home i had to stand at the door with my knife out while he checked ever nook and cranny of the apartment for criminals. Haha, He was so cautious back then but i appreciated it. We were both in a new city and had no idea what to expect. he's more relaxed about the city now but the desire to protect me hasn't diminished at all, just shifted to less obvious areas. Such as making sure any websites I frequent are safe, making sure I don't over work myself or put to much stress on myself emotionally, physically, or mentally. When i got off work He told me i looked very tired and I admitted that my hip was bothering me. (I had surgery on it when I was a preteen). He pulled me into his arms and laid a hand on my hip as if hoping it might make the pain go away and told me I needed to sit down whenever my hip starts hurting.  :)

2. Takes care of me after I breakdown. I lead a pretty busy life and I'm also prone to breakdowns and fits of emotional piques when overly stressed which happens more than one would think. I try to be very strong in public. I hope to be a very important person one day and weakness is a luxury i can't afford. My family and I aren't on good terms and I'm severely lacking in friends. He's the only person that lets me be weak for awhile and then helps me back up. He makes me feel better. This morning I was freaking out over something I had just discovered with my financial aid that would force me to owe the school thousands of dollars. He saw the attack, stopped it, and then made it better. He said "angel come here. sit in my lap, look me in the eyes. this is what probably happened. this is what probably will happen, and if that is not the case then we will do X, Y, and Z and it will be fine. Now give me a kiss and stop worrying."  *squee* I love him.

3. Spoils me ROTTEN! I am spoiled. I am very spoiled. Pretty much anything I want I get (within reason, we are broke after all.) I hate going to sleep alone so I usually try to convince him to lay with me for just awhile until I get tired enough to go to bed without him. He hates doing it because it makes him sleepy and then he'll just crawl into bed with me and fall asleep, usually at the expense of whatever project he was working on. I think he secretly likes it because he never gets really mad at me for it.

4. He understands parts of me that even I don't fully acknowledge. Being an independent introvert with limited social skills I have very few friends. Ok, I have one friend. Who lives 2 hours away. Being limited on friends i always try to be strong. "I don't need friends. They'd just take time away from homework. I only need Master." But then I spent my birthday alone in tears and Master had had enough. I was going to be social if it killed me. And so he forced me out. Forced me to watch movies with mutual friends. And would even leave me alone with them so i would be forced to talk. It was uncomfortable. It was awkward. I absolutely hated it. I absolutely needed it. I am now on the way to adding a +1 to my friend zone and I'm surprisingly happy about it.

5. He loves me for everything that I am. I can be extremely difficult to get along with. Master has described me as all extremes and never any middle ground. I'm softspoken and loud. sweet and bitchy, inviting and off putting, blunt and bush beater. All at once . Just depends on the day. And he is the only person that really understands and accepts that. Loves all of it. Loves me every day no matter who I happen to be that day. It's acceptance that I never ever would have thought to wish for. And I thank Him for that.

I think that's enough for today. I've got to get up early tomorrow and sleep is gold for me.
Thanks for reading!

Thanks and more stuff about me

Wow. Wow. Wow.

I am so amazed. I just got this LJ account last night and I already have 4 whole comments. I am astounded by the amount of friends I have made in the last few hours. I swear I thought my mouth would break from smiling. Just these few hours have been so good for me. All my life I thought I was strange or weird. I was raised catholic and of course sexuality was a sin. I lived in fear until I was about 14 before I resigned myself to a life in hell. Then all my kinks made an appearance and I thought I was just plain sick. Those weren't good years. It wasn't until I got to college and began letting go of religion and doing my own sexual research that I realized I wasn't alone in my desires. But I never really KNEW it until today. It has done me so much good to look at everyone's blogs and browse through old entries. To see everyone call their partners Sir or Papa with such casualness and in regards to such ordinary domestic situations that made it all seem normal almost made me cry. So basically I wanted to say thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Now, that all the mushiness is out f the way. Here is my entry for today. Sorry, it's so late. I had company and they took their sweet time leaving. I just wanted to talk more about submissiveness and what it has come to mean for me. As I said before, I have wanted this for a little over 2 years. I actually learned about it about 4 years ago but I don't count those first two years because I was naive and didn't really know what I was asking for. At the time Master and i were going through some rough times. We had just moved in together after suffering through a long distance relationship for the entirety of our dating. It was tough. Going from barely seeing someone to seeing them all the time brings out things in you you hadn't known was there. I had deluded myself into thinking that by becoming his slave, he could mold me into the kind of girl he wanted and it would solve all our problems. I also had some delusions of grandeur regarding our relationship and our new living arrangements that had to be completely shattered (ahh to be 19 again, lol).

You see, Master is actually only the second person I ever dated (the first lasted a week and i often don't count him). He is the only person I've ever had sex with. He is the only one I will ever need. As sweet as it sounds. I actually wouldn't recommend this path. Having only dated one person really, I was naive and inexperienced. I didn't know what I wanted or needed out of a relationship. Nor what was regular or normal regarding a sexual relationship. I thought we'd be having sex twice a day. Keeping an apartment, going o college, and working full time, would be a piece of cake even if we didn't have a car and had to walk everywhere we went in weather ranging from 20-105. And our relationship would be perfect. Even better than before since we wouldn't have distance between us anymore. I was so wrong.

Breakdowns were plentiful during those two years. So many things fell apart. My relationship with my family began changing when my grandma died, my relationship with Master changed as my inner shrewish bitch was forced out from stress, i gained weight due to all the free food i didn't have much choice to eat at my job because we were too broke to afford groceries. My belief in God broke to the point of nonexistence. It was when I was at my lowest point that I began researching bdsm in earnest. At the time I was just looking for something to take my mind off things. But as I read more I found myself relating in ways I hadn't thought I would. 'Master' became a term of endearment. "Collars" became sacred objects. And I realized that this was something I really wanted. For myself. For my own inner peace. And that is how submission came to be a spiritual experience for me. Master is the center of my world. Has been for along time, even before the bdsm talks. It is my submission to him and my love for him that keeps me on the straight and narrow. I tell him often that I don't know what i'd do if t weren't for you. I don't know WHO i'd be if it weren't for you. Somebody very unpleasant probably.

So, I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter. What does submission mean to you? Is it just sexual? Or is it spiritual as well? Does it seem like I've matured or do you think I'm into this for the wrong reasons?

    Much sub love,
            ~~~angel~~~